In this digital age, it is so easy to find yourself lost in other people’s lives. It is so easy to fall apart seeing someone else come together. It is so easy to look down on yourself through someone else’s eyes. It is so easy to find yourself all alone in this sea of pretentious people.
People tell me I am lucky, I have a business of my own. Yes, I am lucky, but do you have any idea what I went through to get here? And the funny part is I still don’t know where here is. I still feel like I am in a vacuum, just floating around.
People tell me blogging is easy, you just have to play dress up. Yes, it does seem like it, doesn’t it? Had I been on the other end of the table, maybe I would have thought the same, or may be not. But the main point is, there is so much unseen to the outside people. There have been times I have thought of giving up. Yes, the person urging others to hold on has thoughts of quitting too. But do you ever get to see that? Of course not. It is well masked and hidden, with years and years of expertise. But not anymore.
You want the truth? Here it is.
I have not always been this confident, smiling, self-loving woman. I still am not, not all the time. I have been lonely. To the point that I couldn’t bear it. Gnaw away the outer layer and you will see pain, misery, agony, throbbing anguish and heartache. I have been abused, I have been cheated on, by friends and boyfriends alike, I have been down to the point where I thought there was no coming back from. I have been disconnected from myself.
I have been that girl who cries herself to sleep and then wakes up like nothing ever happened and as the night approaches, so do her demons. Play this on loop and that has been my life for years.
I have been in love and I have lost love, in the blink of an eye.
I have lived lies, for months.
I have self harmed and self healed.
But all that people see right now is a happy-go-lucky feminist woman believing in equality and body positivity. I have always believed in knowing people’s past. Your past makes you who you are. I am strong now cause I knew what it was to be weak. I love myself, cause I have known hatred. I have been broken, but right now I am breaking through. Light is easy to love, this is my darkness.
There are so many people who are still going through loneliness and depression, unable to voice it out, unable to fight it, crippled by shame and grief.
But, here I am, taking the first step, for myself, for you.
I am not going to say I have healed. The process is slow, torturous and painstaking; but I definitely am on the path. There are days my inner demons get the best of me, but unlike the past, these days I have stopped fighting them. I let them be. I spend time with them. I tell them ‘I see you’. I let them leave on their own, and they do. But I know they will always be a part of me, and I have made my peace with that.
Loneliness and depression is something that a lot of people are dealing with but are the least seldom talked about topic. No one wants to admit that they are mentally ill, but that doesn’t change the fact, it never will.
I have been mentally ill.
This is my ultimate truth.